I wrote this a few months ago. So it doesn’t quite make sense in the timeline of my previous posts. But I’m sure you’re smart. You’ll figure it out :)
I quit a toxic work environment a month ago. I was quite open about the reasons why. What I wasn’t expecting was to walk into another one.
I was so excited about the potential of my new job. When I first spoke to the managing director of the business, I felt an alignment with my core beliefs and what this company stood for. I was desperate for the position. I was so excited to get an interview. The interview was okay; I stuffed up one of the questions pretty badly (to the point I thought it would be easier if I just walked out and stopped wasting their time). But I recovered well, and have since been told that it didn’t matter how badly I’d answered that question, the managing director was already keen on me. Regardless, at the time I was shocked to get an offer for the job but excited to take it. I knew the environment would be different. Little did I know, the culture would be the same.
Have you ever been in a position where you can’t do anything right? There’s a philosophy at this new place about “being less shit”. The assumption is most of us are shit and we should be less so. Ever been told your skill set is shit and you should just change it? How would you go about that? Please, let me know, because I haven’t figured it out yet.
There’s a concept in this job that you ‘ask it now’ to check you’re on the right track. Great idea in theory. In practice, if you get it wrong, you will be publicly humiliated. For someone who isn’t massive on the idea of public humiliation, the idea of asking it now is difficult. And yet, I’m continually getting in trouble for not asking it now. Tell you what — how about you change a fundamental part of your personality… now? Changed yet? Are you here? Why aren’t you here? Why aren’t you good enough?
I am smart. I know I am. I am good at what I do. I do need some direction on new tasks — I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I’m not a genius but I never insinuated I was. What I am is a capable young woman, willing to put in the hard yards to achieve outcomes. But when I don’t see that anything I do is resulting in a good outcome, I get discouraged. I lose faith in myself. I think that’s just human nature.
I didn’t lie on my CV. I didn’t lie in the interview. I was clear about my experience and my capabilities. I was still offered the job. But I may as well have been offered a job as a surgeon. Based on the reaction to the mistakes I make in this new environment, I may as well have killed someone. Here’s an idea. If you only want to hire geniuses, ask better questions at the interview.
I could count on one hand the amount of positive feedback or encouragement I’ve received from the managing director in my 2.5 weeks. Two new guys started this week and I’ve actively tracked their positive feedback responses and so far, they’re trumping me. I am not going to go as far as saying my new workplace is sexist. What I will say is this. The managing director is female. When I arrived, all other staff were male and in their late 20s-early 30s, other than the office manager, who would be in his 40s. Since my arrival, two other young, matching men have been added. I don’t know if I’m being ridden harder because I’m female or because I’m not good enough. But the optics aren’t good.
For the most part, I like the people I work with. They’re smart, witty, talented and friendly. I enjoy working with them when things are going well. I don’t want to let them down. I want to be considered as being at their level. I just can’t gauge the gap or how to manage it.
I’ve gone from an environment where nothing that I did mattered because priorities were constantly changing, to an environment where it doesn’t matter what I do, it will never be good enough. I don’t see the difference, except one requires me to work far longer hours and face public criticism when I fail.
This is hard. I knew my change of job would be a step up, what I didn’t expect was that I wouldn’t be given help to get there. It’s a sink or swim environment. I’m a good swimmer but with this one, I’m barely bobbing.
